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Signs of Unsafe and Toxic People across all diagnostic categories
• Lack of accountability, unapologetic, refuses to admit mistakes.
• They have it “all together.” Other people (you) are always blamed for any problem.
• Judgmental towards others and self-righteousness with self.
• Playing the victim. Their pain is the most important thing.
• Selfishness; they always need things from you, their needs are most important.
• A very high need for control and anger and criticism if you don’t go along.
• You are constantly confused by their behavior.
• You feel on edge around them. You walk on eggshells.
• You are there for them but when you really need them, they are unavailable.
• Jealousy, envious of your other friendships, accomplishments and joy.
• You are the primary giver and they are the primary taker.
• Your boundaries are not respected. They demand respect for their boundaries.
• They are manipulative to get what they want.
• Chronic criticism and put downs. You feel bad about yourself in their presence.
• Gossips about and talks poorly about others.
• Lying when they get caught engaging in poor behavior
Signs of safe and healthy people
• They lift you up and encourage you when you have self-doubt.
• They’re eager to give to you when you need help, asking nothing in return.
• They care more about what you want than controlling you to get what they want.
• They are humble, readily admitting mistakes and making amends.
• They are deeply concerned about your well-being.
• They desire to connect deeply and have an emotionally intimate relationship.
• You feel relaxed, comfortable and safe in their presence.
• Their behavior is consistent and does not confuse you.
• They prove their dedication and loyalty to you over and over again.
• They honor your boundaries without ever making them wrong.
• They give generously and are careful to not take from you if it will cost you too much.
• Conversations are reciprocal. It is never all about them. It is about both of you.
• They do not cause you stress, shame, or anxiety. It is easy and comfortable.
Brainspotting can break denial and offer hope to those who have been stuck in toxic relationships since childhood. Many have been so “gaslighted” they believe the “program” fed to them by toxic parents and toxic adult relationships mirroring their parents. I have found several Brainspotting frames that quickly and effectively get to the root of the problem, while offering hope and an embodied experience of their worthiness of caring, support and kindness. It offers a way out of the pain and shame and “lies” inherent in toxic programming.
I hope to see you all soon! With gratitude,
Trauma Mama Lisa Larson
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