July '22 - Loneliness

The Mental Health Foundation chose loneliness as the theme for this year’s Mental Health Week.

My favorite intervention to help those suffering from loneliness and despair is to take a one-page summary of Dale Carnegie’s classic “Winning Friends and Influencing People” and going through each line using role playing. In doing this, I have seen 5th graders who have never had friends become beloved and socially anxious adults leave their social anxiety behind by practicing these skills.

I will never forget a client I will call “Nick.” He was painfully shy and very alone after a horrific divorce. I asked him to go to a dance for singles. He was so shy he left after the first dance. The next week, I asked him to go to the dance again, but with a different request. I asked him to dance with every single person he saw who had not been invited to dance. I told him to forget about himself and do some service. At the end of the night, a wonderful and caring woman asked if he would mind dancing with her. They married a little over a year later.

Try role-playing each of these tools below. They work!

HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE by Dale Carnegie

1. Never criticize, judge, complain or condemn other people.

2. Give honest and sincere appreciation as often as possible.

3. Find out what someone else truly wants and figure out how to help them get it.

4. Be genuinely interested in the other person…ask a lot of questions about THEM.

5. Use other people’s names. This is the most important sound in any language.

6. Be a good listener and encourage others to talk about THEMSELVES.

7. Find out all about the other person’s interests!

8. Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.

9. Avoid all arguments. It’s the only way to win them.

10. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say they are wrong.

11. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and strongly.

12. Begin every interaction in a friendly way.

13. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

14. Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers.

15. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

16. Throw down a fun challenge.

17. Begin with praise and honest APPRECIATION.

18. Don’t call attention to other people’s mistakes, talk about your own!

19. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. “We instead of Me.”

20. Let the other person save face. Don’t shove their nose in what they did wrong. Let it go and give grace. Be supportive. Let it go and give grace. Be supportive.

21. Praise the slightest improvement. Look for reasons to compliment. Be very slow to criticize

SSRI’s and trauma work can also be excellent for those who are terrified of judgment or criticism. I have a special Brainspotting set-up to best treat social anxiety rooted in trauma, such as abusive parents and siblings or bullying by peers. Grab that below!